Irrational Assumptions
by AUTOMATIC BETA
Summary: To say that all men get irrational and unintelligent when they are drunk is an irrational assumption based completely on biased stereotypes. However, if one were to base their hypothesis of this subject purely on the lives of the famous Hogwarts pranksters; Fred and George, it would be completely understandable that one might make such a mistake in their assumptions.


**SUMMARY:** To say that all men get irrational and unintelligent when they are drunk is an irrational assumption, which is based completely on biased stereotypes made to stigmatize extraordinary people and force them into social norms. However, if one were to base their hypothesis of this subject purely on the lives of the famous freckled and red haired Hogwarts pranksters, more commonly known as the Weasley twins; Fred and George, it would be completely understandable and almost average that one might make such a mistake in their assumptions.

**RATING:** T for Liquor and Language.

**PUBLISHED:** 6th of September, 2014.

**DISCLAIMER:** I owned Harry Potter once. Then I woke up. *cries*

**AUTHOR:** AUTOMATIC-BETA.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Need a beta? Hi. It's in my username! This is a one-shot but I might be persuaded to continue it for a chapter or two? let me know by reviewing!

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><p><strong>Irrational Assumptions<strong>

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><p>To say that all men get irrational and unintelligent when they are drunk is an irrational assumption, which is based completely on biased stereotypes made to stigmatize extraordinary people and force them into social norms. These stereotypes are forced upon the greater population by television, music, advertisements, as well as other types of mass media. However, if one were to base their hypothesis of this subject purely on the lives of the famous freckled and red haired Hogwarts pranksters, more commonly known as the Weasley twins; Fred and George, it would be completely understandable and almost average that one might make such a mistake in their assumptions.<p>

This would be the fatal flaw of the observer. Observers do far too much observing and not nearly enough thinking. However, since it is in their title, observers are permitted to do such rash things; almost as if they were drunk themselves; drunk with knowledge, more than likely. Honestly though, that one observer might not even be the only one, and in fact probably isn't; for the brightest witch of her age made one just such of a mistake during her fifth year at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, at the beginning of April.

It was April first. It was the twins' birthday. They were testing a new product for their shop. She had been carefully observing the twins for just over three hours, forming a hypothesis, just like any decent scientist and observer in a room crowded full of drunks would do. Most of the populous room was just a bit tipsy; the twins, however, were full on I-hope-your-hangover-is-horrible-because-that-means-it's-better-than-what-it-should-be drunk. So, she sat there, taking care of them and making sure they did not get into any trouble, just as they had asked her to.

The twins were testing out a brand new product for their joke shop that evening, one which was supposed to act like a liquor of sorts, an alcoholic beverage in the form of a hard candy. The longer you suck on it, the more drunk you become. Quite an ingenious idea, if it were not for their implied implications and the fact that neither of them could hold their liquor. So, to keep their heads –and possibly anything else- safe from Umbridge (or Umbitch, as they had taken to calling her), the famous Weasley twins asked none other than their favourite bookworm, Hermione Granger, to watch them.

Not that they didn't trust their friends, but…. They didn't trust their friends- Or to be more specific, they didn't trust Lee Jordan. They were quite right too; no less than seven times did he try to send Fred and George out into the hall so they may be seen by the school's new high inquisitor and be expelled-or at the very least, earn a lifetime of detentions.

The first time he managed to weasel them towards the portrait hole, slowly, over the course of ten minutes, taking small steps and pausing to talk to other people along the way. Hermione, however, was unfazed by this trick. She sent a tickled charm his way before sending Fred and George off towards the main conversing area. It was then that Fred found his way to the bar.

For the second act, Lee tried distracting Hermione with a couple of her roommates. Hermione, however, did not get along with her roommates and was soon alone once more, just in time to see Lee push Fred and George around forcefully towards the portrait hole. She walked over and gave him a proper greeting after that. His cheek never quite fully recovered. In his defense, however, it was one hell of a punch.

Thirdly he tried what he called "operation lightning". After "operation chameleon" and "operation gossip" had failed, he tried the direct approach. Quick as he could, he grabbed Fred and George by the tie and pulled them quickly as he could towards the portrait hole. However, being on the verge of being full-on drunk, they stumbled and fell, rolling on the floor for ten minutes before getting up slowly so that Fred could get another shot.

Fourth he attempted levitating them out. Of course, Charms was never his strong suit and so Hermione's spell overpowered his own, and she shot him an I-read-about-it-in-Hogwarts-a-History look as he slumped down into an armchair to plot once more, after "operation It's levi-O-sa, not levio-SA!" failed.

The fifth time was by far his favourite. He stood, arm in arm with Fred and George, who were making themselves look like fools by sweet-talking 5+ ladies at the time (the ladies eventually did all slap them, and went back to their friends), and Lee shot Hermione an I-win glance as he turned on the spot. The horrible feeling and that familiar "pop" never arrived, though. There was only Hermione standing there, looking quite displeased as she told him that, "Apparition in or out of Hogwarts is forbidden and there are wards keeping someone from doing so." It was then that Lee categorized "operation poof" a failure.

Sixth he brought them funny hats as a disguise. Hermione was not so daft that a hat that appeared to have a hippopotamus on it would stop her from recognizing the twins. She gave Lee a dirty look and sent the twins off their own ways. "Operation hat-a-palooza" was definitely not a success.

Seventh he tried blindfolding Hermione. She bit his hand. He yelped in pain before she stuffed the blindfold into his mouth, silencing him. She looked at him with glee in her eyes and said, with the most professional air she could muster, "Operation lights-out is a failure; all units to retreat." While Lee mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like, "It was operation night-night."

Thus were the seven attempts of freedom that Lee had attempted thus far. In the meantime, however, Hermione took advantage of the time by finding certain difference between the twins; she already knew of that one dark freckle Fred had, but she wanted to see what other differences they had from one another.

George's birthmark was a little higher up on the back of his neck, she noticed, Fred hunches over more, yes, yes, all things she knew.

Their hands- though, were new. Well, not new per say, but different from the last time she had seen them. They were already lined with phrases they were supposed to obey; courtesy of Umbridge the pink devil goat. "I must not play fun and games" cut the deepest into their skin. Hermione had noticed that Fred's cuts were deeper –and newer- than Georges'. An odd occurrence, but she had been told earlier that week that Fred took the fall for a couple of younger students who wanted to prank a friend, so it all made sense. A brave Gryffindor he was indeed.

It was just then that Lee decided to try for eight times, but at a flick of her wand he was petrified and levitated him over to the stairs. Lee Jordan was being a meddlesome fool.

Hermione was watchful of the pair, and so they were safe from harm. Well, at least from the threat of Umbridge and Lee Jordan. After the eighth time, Hermione sent Lee Jordan to bed- and swiftly used a non-permanent sticking charm to keep him there until at minimum six o'clock in the morning, though he would most likely sleep until noon. She knew this, so she put an alarm on for five thirty, just so that he would live though some more punishment for being so rude to his best friends. As well, he had snuck some fire whiskey from the pub, so he would probably have a hangover in the morning, just in case that didn't force him to learn his lesson.

Hermione Jean Granger wasn't a pushover; despite what her friends thought. She genuinely enjoyed running in fear of her life- no matter how insane that statement sounded. She enjoyed making the others around her feel happy, and she certainly didn't want them to fail fifth year. However, that sentiment ran dry when it came to the twins- at least partially. She demanded something in return. Which, to say the least, made the twins feel anxious. She had not told them what she wanted yet, after all. She had stated simply that they would be equal favours and they could have their pick of which of the two they wished to do.

So she observed the twins. Not like she had anything better to do. Besides, being forced to watch two boys fight for a glass of juice wasn't all that bad, was it? Hilarity ensued soon after when it was spilt allover George's white button-up shirt, and he stained his tie; which hung undone around his neck, whereas Fred's was partially done up.

And so, it was not two hours earlier that she had borrowed Collin Creevy's camera and started taking pictures of the mischievous duo of redheaded brothers. However, after Fred saw the first flash, he took the camera, and was now secretly taking pictures of Hermione. She knew that, of course, but tactfully ignored it for the sake of pleasing her drunken companion. After a while of that, though, he got bored. And, as any sane person might realize, when a drunk person gets bored, it means that they must think, in their drunken state, that they aren't quite drunk enough.

That was exactly what Fred thought.

After three more shots, however, he was still sitting down next to Hermione, taking pictures; only now less discretely, not that he was in the first place. He did, however, talk about Hermione as though she wasn't there, speaking his thoughts out loud about her.

"Hermione is real-y nice. She's so clever too-o-o. I've liked her forev-er. Her hair is so boun-cy too. Up. Down. Flip. Flop. Curly. Whirly. Whoop de do. I see you!" He peeked out from the camera that time.

"Fred." She looked sternly at the twin.

"Woah." His eyes widened. "Even the way she says my name is nice." His mouth formed a small 'o'.

"Fred, take that damned candy out of your mouth." She looked him straight in the eye as she spoke.

"What candy?" he mumbled, though it was muffled… like he had a piece of candy in his mouth.

"Take out the piece of candy that is in your mouth." Hermione was getting impatient, for even on a good day, they were still underage, and drunks were a pain to care for.

Fred took out the candy. He felt sober, but he didn't remember anything.

"What happened?"

"What, no hangover? That's interesting. Anyway, you got way too drunk. Lower the alcohol concentration. And tell George to take out that god damned piece of candy." She turned back to her book on mountain trolls- better safe than sorry.

"George!" called Fred, "George!" He yelled, trying to find the less-handsome twin in the crowded common room that lay in front of him as he stood up to look around, still staying next to Hermione as he non-intentionally interrupted her reading.

"No need to yell, Georgie, I'm right here." George said as Fred yelled around once more.

"I'm Fred, you're George. Now take out the candy." Fred said, correcting George as he realized that he was piss drunk.

"What candy?" George tried hiding the candy with his tongue.

"That candy." Fred raised an eyebrow, telling his twin to stop fooling around and really-I'm-not-that-stupid-you-have-a-candy-in-your-mouth

"Oh." He said as he popped it out of his mouth and into a napkin he had picked up that was formerly on the table.

"We got way too drunk", said Fred seriously. Next he sat down on the chesterfield, next to Hermione.

"Lower the alcohol concentration?" George sighed as he relaxed nest to Fred, raising an eyebrow at Fred, though no one noticed.

This particular eyebrow conveyed both emotions and words. It's interesting how eyebrows can do that. For instance, this eyebrow was cocky, sarcastic, and manipulative. George wanted to silently tell his brother that dude-ask-her-out-already-or-should-I? That was a sentiment only twins may share.

Fred sent him a She-doesn't-like-me-like-that-we're-just-friends look before answering his question with a, "That's what Hermione says."

Before the twins both got up to head to their dorms. Before they could leave, however, they were interrupted by their favourite bookworm.

"Oh, Fred, George, I wanted to pass an idea around to you about your sweet."

"And what would that be, Miss-know-it-all?"

"Fred, stop. I'm not a know-it-all."

"How do you know I'm Fred?"

"Freckle."

"Hmm?"

"You-Fred, has a dark freckle right there." He gave her a look as she pointed just under his right eye, but more to the side, opposite his nose. He made a note of show nice her fingers felt on his cheek. "And your eyes are a darker shade of blue, while George's have a hint of green. George's birthmark is slightly higher on the back of his neck. You normally begin the conversation while George joins in after five or so words. George is always the first to pretend to lean on someone. And last, but not least, you were sitting next to me, so naturally you'd walk behind George after you got up."

"Wow." The twins said in unison as they shared an appreciative glance at one another, while silently continuing their earlier discussion on Fred asking Hermione out.

"Hmm? Anyway, what if you two made it so that the candy dissipates after a while, so the maximum dosage is say, five candies, and each candy will last an hour? And they are to be taken one at a time, so that way no one gets too drunk too fast?"

"Brilliant Hermione!" exclaimed George, while Fred stood with a blank expression on his face, contemplating the girl he was so obviously in love with. After George elbowed him though, he hugged Hermione, startling her, smiling and conveying other messages of "Thanks" and "You're brilliant".

"If you two every need any help, just come to me." She said cheerily as she went back to her book on mountain trolls and the twins went up the boys' staircase to their dorms.

"Oh, boys, I almost forgot- payback- Aid on one prank of my choosing, or help sneaking out to Hogsmeade, your choice."

"Both." Said George; looking at Fred.

"Both." Fred replied, looking at George.

"Both." They said in perfect unison, this time looking at Hermione, "Both are good."

It was then that the twin continued up the stairs towards their dorm, only to have an interesting turn of events take place.

Once they were inside, George spoke to Fred in a crazed and frantic fashion. "What was that? You could've asked her out! Fred! Fred, are you even listening?" He almost screamed in his twin's ear- he was obviously in la-la-land.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm listening. But I so could not have asked her out- besides, she's Ron's friend." He looked down at his shoes as he spoke- an action many would not recognize on Fred Weasley.

"'Ron's friend' -my ass; they haven't spoken all week!" George reasoned harshly to his duplicate; for Fred was still giddy from the hug she had just returned.

"Yeah, well, he has dibs. He liked her first." Fred spoke solemnly and honestly as he went to sit on the edge of his bed.

"Sure. You know what? I'm going to bed. We'll talk about this later." George said as he walked towards his bed of the far side of the room.

It was then that the twins' heads whirled around because of a noise they heard; it was a loud voice yelling about from the corner- Lee's bed. They pulled back the curtains only to find a struggling Lee Jordan frantically wiggling about under the red covers. Lee Jordan moved his head from side to side, taking turns looking at both of the twins in and George thusly closed the curtains with a gallant gesture and sound-proofed them with a flick of their wands. Who knows what time Hermione set his alarm to?

And thus is the fatal flaw of the observer. They always read too far into the lines, whilst making the most irrational assumptions about drunken men.


End file.
